Louie Gohmert

Go, Go, Go Gohmert!


Eileen Smith

There’s been some talk—mostly in tea sipping lawn chair circles—of a certain someone challenging incumbent Sen. John Cornyn in the March primary. I’ll give you a few hints. He’s an anti-immigration anti-everything Republican congressman from Tyler and renowned birther who believes that terrorist breeders are conspiring to raise little terrorist babies right here on American soil. Oh, and that Islamic terrorists are pretending to be Hispanic to gain entry into the country. Pretending to be Mexican to enter the country? Well that’s not going to work!

The man is Louie Gohmert. You may also know him by his other name, “that crazy guy.” According to the National Review, Texas tea party activists are pushing Gohmert to run against Cornyn, who’s apparently not near conservative enough. Meaning not as conservative as Ted Cruz, who has been crowned the 2016 Republican nominee by the national media. (Remember Rick Perry? Yeah. No one else does either.) Very few people are as conservative as Ted Cruz but Gohmert just might qualify. And if he chooses to run? Well, no one thought Cruz had a chance either.

(Incidentally the NRO piece relied exclusively on the words of two East Texas tea party women, who somehow managed to find time to grant interviews in between sewing bedazzled flags and afternoon target practice.)

Despite the rumors the congressman has already told the Washington Examiner that he’s not feeling it. “Before I dive in I need to feel it in my heart. I don’t feel it in my heart right now.” The man is nothing if not sentimental. But notice the subtle disclaimer of “right now.” Could he feel it in his heart tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Pre-Rapture? Post-Rapture?

To compile a list of all of Gohmert’s Greatest Hits dating back to his time as a judge (where he once duct taped a defendant’s mouth) would be extremely time intensive, mentally exhausting and, quite frankly, above my pay grade. Although it would be remiss of me not to mention his latest tirade regarding Islamic terrorists taking Spanish lessons. I can’t decide who Gohmert’s most afraid of—terrorists or Hispanics. So I can only assume that his worst nightmare would be illegal pregnant Mexican Islamic terrorists.

The admittedly remote possibility of a Gohmert candidacy is yet another reminder of how far right the Republican party has become. (As if you needed another reminder.) As folks like Ted Cruz and Louie Gohmert continue to usurp the Republican Party, folks like former NRSC chair and über-conservative John Cornyn are suddenly, inexplicably too moderate. Think about it. If the crazies can make David Dewhurst look like some sort of bleeding heart liberal, would it really be that difficult to make Cornyn look like your typical Texas Observer subscriber?

Still, a tea party gal can dream about a world with Louie Gohmert as Texas’ junior senator. A world in which Spanish lessons were no longer offered to Islamic terrorist breeders, a world in which madrassa-educated Kenyans would be barred from the presidency, a world without healthcare or equal rights for destitute prairie chickens, a world in which elected officials rocking the poor man’s Power Donut haircut would not only be accepted but embraced, a world in which true Americans like Louie Gohmert would reign supreme. What a wonderful world it would be.