WTF Friday will be on hiatus next week for the Thanksgiving holiday, so let us take today to give thanks. We are thankful for the entertainment provided by our friends in politics. Thank you, Rick Perry, for insisting on wearing those MSNBC glasses to make yourself look smarter, a fashion accessory that makes as much sense on you as Ben Roethlisberger donning an ascot. Thank you, Ted Cruz, for being a world-historical elitist at Harvard and pissing off what seems to be the entire class of ’95 who are now gladly providing fodder for endless unflattering Ted’s College Days reminiscences.
Thank you to the State Board of Education, for re-litigating the Scopes Monkey Trial for the 3,062nd time.
Thank you, David Dewhurst, for so shamelessly trying to be someone you’re not, for trying everything to impress the tea party short of donning a tri-corner hat and stapling tea bags to area telephone poles. And thank you for reaching new levels of hyperbole in your latest TV ad, proving your hatred for Barack Obama, alien species that he is, incapable of sharing any human feeling with Republicans.
“With all due respect to President Obama, I can’t think of one thing that I agree with him on.”
Thank you Young Conservatives of Texas at UT-Austin for your decade-long obsession with offensive stunts: affirmative action bake sales, straight-pride parades and the (swiftly canceled) illegal immigrant hunt, which I’m sure sounded like a great idea over beers at Mellow Mushroom. As the group explained on its Facebook page.
“Any UT student who catches one of these ‘illegal immigrants’ and brings them back to our table will receive a $25 gift card. The purpose of this event is to spark a campus-wide discussion about the issue of illegal immigration, and how it affects our everyday lives.”
Thank you, finally, for the second coming of Wayne Christian. He’s a former state representative who’s still referring to himself as “the only Christian on the ballot.” His highlight reel includes trying to exempt himself from the Open Beaches Act and defending legislation banning LGBT centers at universities by explaining that he’d been “racially discriminated against” as a white guy on the high school basketball team. Now, he’s running for Texas Railroad Commission to protect our precious lignites from the oppressor in the White House, as he told the Waco Tea Party [54:10]. Obama, of course, has been so tough on the oil industry that the U.S. is on track to surpass Saudi Arabia in production and the night sky in the South Texas brush country is lit up by flares burning off natural gas.
(By the way, the number of nonsensical statements by Christian in that interview is staggering, including his assertion that he stopped 1,000 abortions a year funded by the taxpayers. Needless to say, I hope, Texas taxpayers do not pay for abortions.)
“[Turn] Texas blue is partially being fought by taking over our oil and gas industry by a president who’s openly said he’s against fracking, who’s against pipelines.”