The Textbook Plot
The State Board of Education today instructed publishers to curtail positive coverage of Islam and include more favorable treatment of Christianity in future world history textbooks. … The resolution states that “diverse reviewers have repeatedly documented gross pro-Islamic, anti-Christian distortions in social studies texts” across the United States, and that past social studies textbooks in Texas have been ‘tainted’ with pro-Islamic, anti-Christian views.”
—Dallas Morning News, Sept. 24, 2010
MEMO: Top secret addition to American history textbook for 10th-graders
Please note that the following timeline, which is highly sensitive, will be smuggled into the new American history textbook, The True Story of the Infidels Who Call Themselves Americans: A Subliminal History for American Idiots. This timeline skillfully takes advantage of American students’ pathetically limited attention spans by weaving in references to Arabs and Islam alongside mentions of food, sex, sports and Elvis Presley. Death to America!
History of America Timeline
1492 Christopher Columbus and his three ships set sail, guided by the astrolabe, quadrant and navigational maps invented by Arabs. Being ignorant Christians, however, he and his crew misread these excellent instruments and end up in North America instead of the Far East. Fortunately, they get to have lots of sex with the native islanders.
1621 Pilgrims and native Americans celebrate first traditional Thanksgiving dinner at Plymouth Plantation. Menu includes such traditional, lip-smacking Thanksgiving fare as turkey, falafel, pita, Big Macs, hummus and wing-dings. Native Americans learn mathematical concept of zero, invented by Arab mathematicians, when they aren’t allowed to have second helpings.
1776 Select group of American terrorists comes together to create a fatwa called the Declaration of Independence, as they declare a jihad against King George III of England.
1836 Small number of fanatical, suicidal martyrs fight to the death at the Alamo, a historic building now in downtown San Antonio, Texas. (Scholar’s note: Although previously thought to have been a Catholic mission, the Alamo has recently been revealed by historians at Texas A&M University to have been a mosque.)
1863 Abraham Lincoln, the 16th president of the United States and an admirer of the Koran who enjoyed wearing a robe in his leisure hours, issues the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing all slaves in the country. This means black people are free to have lots of sex, too.
1929 Great Depression occurs on a planet upon which women vote, drive, have sex, enjoy sex and go bareheaded. Coincidence?
1940 McDonald’s opens!!!
1948 First monkey astronaut launched in space. U.S. President Harry Truman announces U.S. recognition for illegal Zionist state built upon the bloodied backs of the martyred Palestinian people. Kiss Me, Kate opens on Broadway. Americans have lots of sex.
1957 Dwight Eisenhower inaugurated for second term as U.S. president. Elvis Presley buys Graceland, where he eats lots of junk food like fried peanut-butter-and-banana sandwiches. Osama bin Laden born in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia (!!!). Brooklyn Dodgers move to LA.
1965 U.S. President Lyndon Johnson, who had even more sex than John F. Kennedy, signs the historic Voting Rights Act while standing on a Persian rug in the White House. According to informed sources, Johnson purposely chose this Middle Eastern rug for his historic signature, stating that he felt it “brought the room together.”
1973 Miami Dolphins beat Washington Redskins 14-7 in Super Bowl. World Trade Center opens (spoiler alert: see 2001, when World Trade Center closes!). Israeli hoodlums commit usual acts of aggression in so-called Yom Kippur War. Everybody blames the Arabs, as usual. Sick and tired of not getting second helpings, Native Americans re-take Wounded Knee. Everybody still having lots of sex, though.
1979 Elvis dies. Whole country in mourning. Nobody has sex for a week.
2001 Mysterious planes fly into large buildings in New York City. After long, intricate conspiracy unraveled, perpetrators are revealed to be a radical sect of Protestant extremists known as “chicken-eating Methodists” concerned about veganism and same-sex marriage. Of course, Muslims still get blamed. (Typical!)
Fall 2008 Worldwide recession. See entry for Great Depression above.
November 2008 Victory: United States finally elects a Muslim president! Weather fine, partly sunni.