The Road to Compromise
A former bus driver has sued the Capital Area Rural Transportation System, charging that the nine-county transit service discriminated against him based on his religion when he was fired for refusing to drive a woman to a Planned Parenthood clinic in January.
“Edwin Graning …was ‘concerned that he might be transporting a client to undergo an abortion …’ ”
—Austin American-Statesman, July 16, 2010
Capital Area Rural Transportation
Center Employee Newsletter
Hi! We are sorry to report Edwin Graning will no longer be a part of the CARTS family. We will all miss Edwin’s spontaneous sermons about the rapture and the precise temperature awaiting those who roast in hell.
Moving on, we are happy to welcome three new drivers: Lance LeBeau, a former fashion consultant from Dallas; Helen Ann Wesner, whose hobbies are memorizing the Bible and cross-stitching patriotic dish towels; and Harmony Meadows, who calls herself a “militant vegan and aspiring pyromaniac.” (Ha! We can already tell Harmony has a wacky sense of humor!)
We’re sure all of you read the news accounts of Lance LeBeau’s refusal to drive three women to Chico’s. As Lance told Channel 8, “Chico’s is a horrible place. Women come out of there looking like overdosed, dessicated Christmas trees. I’m just trying to save these women from themselves.”
We are happy to report that a resolution was reached after the three women in question agreed to let Lance drive them to the new Nordstrom Rack store, instead. Too bad the news media isn’t interested in happy endings!
Well, it certainly has been an active spring around here!
We’re guessing you all have heard about the lawsuit filed by the teenage couple against CARTS. Helen Ann Wesner, normally one of our most reliable and steadfast employees, objected to taking the couple to Mount Bonnell after dark. As Helen Ann explained it, “I could tell from the looks on their faces what they were gonna be up to there. I wasn’t having no part of it. Next thing you know, they would have been headed to Planned Parenthood!”
Until the lawsuit is settled, Helen Ann is taking time off to rest and reacquaint herself with the Book of Job, her favorite book in the Bible.
Anybody who wants to be part of a boring workplace should never come to CARTS—ha, ha! You probably heard the allegations made by Harrison R. Smythe Sr. and Harrison R. Smythe Jr. that our driver, Harmony Meadows, tried to set them on fire when they asked to be transported to McBride’s Gun Shop. The Smythes are said to be contemplating legal action based on their “Constitutional, God-given right to shoot anything we damn well please.”
We are sad to report that Harmony has resigned her position, effective immediately, to teach ashtanga yoga at a nearby ashram. Helen Ann Wesner will be filling in, as needed.
As you may have heard, Lance LeBeau refused to transport a passenger since “she was obese and needed to walk instead.” The rejected passenger bashed in the van’s back window, causing $250 in damage. In other news, Harmony Meadows is returning to CARTS after a fire of suspicious origin destroyed the House of Bliss Ashram.
After much soul-searching, weeks of controversy, a small grass fire outside our building, and three sit-ins, we have finally reached a re-thinking of our CARTS workplace agreeable to all. Here is our new schedule:
6 a.m.: New employee Harrison Smythe Sr. will drive the Armed and Dangerous Second Amendment route. Open to carnivores, Tea Partiers, special discounts for military vets, Branch Davidian survivors. Security provided by Harrison Smythe Jr.
8:55 a.m.: Helen Ann Wesner will commandeer the Purity Route, stopping at Target stores and local churches (surcharge applicable for Roman Catholic churches). No fornicators, sluts or secular humanists. Passengers will meet for brief prayer denouncing the Obama administration before departing at 9 a.m. sharp.
11:30a.m.: Lance LeBeau drives the Fashion Spectacular, stopping at boutiques and spas he deems acceptable. Discounts for those who sign Lance’s Pro-Gay Marriage petition, addressed to his “very good friend, Rick Perry.” Passenger height, weight, fashion-sensibility requirements will be strictly enforced.
1:30 p.m.: Harmony Meadows, recently acquitted of arson charges, drives the I Brake For All Animals Except People special, stopping at yoga studios, vegan workshops. Free colon detox to first three passengers—but bring your own hose!