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Don't Bogart That Shrub


The cartoonists are revolting. That’s the word from Funny Times, a cartoon humor monthly which, to promote its own fifteenth anniversary, will be handing out “Texas Homegrown Dope” seed packages at the Republican and Democratic national conventions this month. The “Homegrown Dope” is none other than George Dubya Bush, in a caricature by Matt Wuerker (whose work appears often in the Observer) which features the Bush-Who-Would-Be-President as an “ornamental shrub.” The seed package (which contains real seeds) comes complete with “Planting Instructions: Using a silver spoon, plant in shallow hole. Protect from draft. Feed with loads of family and soft money.”

“We got the idea when we heard about the tens of millions of dollars of ‘seed money’ that the Republican Party was raising to get Bush elected,” said Raymond Lesser, co-publisher of Funny Times. “What kind of crops are the Republicans trying to grow with their seed money? What kind of a seed is Bush? With all the dopey things Bush has already said and done, we figured he must be a dope seed.” Although the seed packets sell for one dollar apiece, the magazine will be giving them away at the conventions as reminders of the “dopey policies, dopey appointments, and dopey political bickering” in Washington should Bush be elected. Lesser is optimistic about the comedy potential of a second Bush Administration: “Having a dope in the White House for the next four years looks like a wonderful opportunity for political satire.”

Texas Homegrown Dope seeds are available from The Funny Times by sending one dollar to: Funny Times Seeds, P.O. Box 18530, Cleveland Heights, Ohio 44118. Subscriptions to the publication (twelve issues for $21.00) can be obtained from the same address. (In case you’re wondering: seed package ingredients are listed as “Head Lettuce … You’ll need lots of lettuce to get anywhere near this dope.”)

Texas Homegrown (Legalized) Dope

An ornamental shrub developed to protect corporate boardrooms and gated communities

Where to Plant: Grows easily in poor environment; oblivious to air or water quality, and unaffected by chemical or radioactive contamination.

Recommended Planting Depth: Extremely shallow.

Days to Maturity: When Mommy and Poppy say so.

When to Plant: Whenever migrant labor is available.

Care: Thrives with lack of illumination. Protect from pests such as single working mothers and investigative reporters. Feed with special interest fundraisers until firmly rooted in the Public Treasury.

This Dope provides short term euphoria with big tax breaks for the rich. Long term side effects could include fiscal pain, swelling welfare rolls, and an increase in death by lethal injection.