Barely Legal

by Published on

The first day of school always comes with some level of trepidation. Will my classmates like me? Will my teacher be nice? Will administrators discover that I’m an illegal alien trying to infiltrate the school system in order to indoctrinate my fellow kindergartners into radical Islamist fundamentalism?

The only thing standing between us and the complete collapse of not just our public school system but our very humanity is Rep. Debbie Riddle. The Tomball Republican has courageously filed House Bill 22, which will require school districts to determine the citizenship and immigration status of each student at the time of his or her initial enrollment. Students must provide an original or certified copy of their birth certificates before they are allowed to participate in pep rallies. Or else they have to be the mascot.

But Debbie Riddle’s paranoia—surely you recall her “terror baby” scare?—is almost cute compared to Rep. Leo Berman’s alarmism. The Republican of Tyler has filed close to 2,000 anti-immigration bills this session, making the entire state of Arizona jealous.

Berman, a native New Yorker who has infiltrated the Texas Capitol in order to indoctrinate his fellow lawmakers into radical Northeastern fundamentalism, has introduced legislation (House Bill 292) that would issue “temporary reports of alien birth” instead of actual birth certificates if a parent cannot prove citizenship. (Wait a minute: Alien births? In the Rose Capital of the Nation? Is an extraterrestrial going to burst out of Berman’s chest on the House floor, for effect?)

Basically the proposed legislation would require the state to only issue birth certificates to children born legally within our borders as opposed to dropped off by the mothership. But that depends on what your definition of “legal” is. If you thought that the 14th Amendment guaranteed automatic citizenship and civil rights to anyone born on U.S. soil, then clearly you do not live in Berman’s brain. Back in 2007, Berman was already trying to prevent U.S.-born children of undocumented immigrants from receiving state benefits including public assistance, food stamps, and public housing. (Also that year, Berman claimed that illegal aliens brought with them a number of diseases such as tuberculosis, leprosy, the plague, polio, and malaria. So apparently the only public housing we should provide them with are sterile plastic bubbles, like that one that John Travolta used to live in.)

Berman, a so-called birther, has also filed legislation (HB 295) that would require any candidate for president or vice president to show his or her birth certificate to the Texas Secretary of State before they can be listed on the ballot. Well, we all know why he’s doing that. He doesn’t believe Joe Biden is really from Delaware.