The news that Rick Perry will not seek re-election next year hit me hard. Sure it’s great to get some new blood in the governor’s mansion, but let’s face it: As a columnist, I’m worried about losing my go-to source for political comedy. There’s so much I count on from Rick Perry, from his perfect hair to his verbal flubs to the cringe-worthy name on his family ranch, that I just have to give a 10-gun salute to the old guy for all the material he’s abundantly provided over the years. Here in no particular order are the top 10 things I will miss about having Rick Perry as my governor.
1. First of all, I will miss having a governor who looks so badass shooting a gun. Say what you want about debate skills, when your governor has an intro video that rivals that of Walker, Texas Ranger, you’re talking master statesman.
2. I will miss having a governor who’s not ashamed to admit he’s a Christian. In a presidential ad. So brave!
3. I will miss having a governor with a mind like a steel trap.
4. I will miss having a governor who knows that a decade equals 90 years.
5. I will miss having a governor who confused the voting age with the legal drinking age. Cuz you’d have to be drunk to vote for him?
6. I will miss having a governor who makes a national debate feel like a Miss Teen USA pageant.
7. I will miss having a governor who’s taken that “whole ‘nother country” thing a bit too far.
8. I will miss having a governor whose family hunting camp has a name I can’t publish on this website, but that was painted on a giant rock for decades.
9. I will miss having a governor I get to pay twice.
10. And, finally, I will miss having a governor in office so long that children in Texas think the job is a lifetime appointment.