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Your spouse won’t listen? We will. LAW OFFICES OF Martin H. Boozer 1\\1 SERI MON l AL. LAW Creative solutions for one of life’s most difficult problems. 902 Rio Grande Street Board Certi lied fa mily LilW Remember the Alamo? Girl, I wish I could forget it. READ the “official” account of the battle of the Alamo here: almost biblical body odor. Sammy and I had reservations. And I don’t mean at the Four Seasons. We’d never been with such rugged, sexually frustrated older men. I know a lot of people think the Alamo caper was all fun and games. It was, for the most part, what with Crockett and that crazy coonskin tickler, and Bowie with that huuuge knife \(dime-store Freudian headbe dead serious. I said, “Bill, you’re 26, you’re single, you’re in Mexicolighten up, for Chrissakes,” but he’d just go on writing his letters. I could tell he fancied me. I appealed to Travis to just let the Mexicans in. I won’t stand for bigotry, so I gave the Mexicans VIP passes and said it really wasn’t that crowded inside, and if they were going to be around, I’d love it if they came and partied. In the meantime, Travis and I would talk every night under the moonlight, dodging flying shrapnel. We talked about how life could be so ephemeral, how every moment should be seized upon with primal vigor. Then, after some heavy petting, we decided to get married. The night of the fifth, Crockett, Bowie, the jealous Anderson brothers and a small circle of other intimates gathered as witnesses to the union between Travis and me. James Bowie read the vows while “Pachebel” was screeched out on fiddles by two out-of-tune imbeciles. Then Bill told me to wait in the basement, that he had to have a quick chat with “the men.” Typical. I was in and out of a boozy snooze when I woke to the sound of fireworks. “Hey!” I called out. More fireworks. “Hey, I’m in here!” There was the party going on right outside, and here I was locked in a dingy basement while my husband whoops it up outside with his buddies. Screams of what I took to be raucous rapture flew through the air like bullets, along with what seemed to be real bullets. These cowboys and their guns, I swear. Somebody’s going to get hurt someday. After what seemed like an eternity of merrymaking, I heard the argot of the Alamo club-goers go from English to Spanish. Well, good, I thought. At least the Mexicans made it in. I tried mightily and pried open the door of the basement leading to the dance floor. When the dust settled, it became clear what kind of debauchery I’d missed. What. A. Dump. This party had got out of hand, y’all. Most of the Texians were passed out. A lot of Mexicans were, too. I tried to wake Bill, but he had got so liquored that he passed out. Samantha didn’t look much better. I left them where they were, to think about what they’d done. On my way home, I heard a great ruckus and shouts of “Remember the Alamo!” Remember the Alamo? Girl, I wish I could forget it. CI 73,1er Stoddard Smith is an Austin-based humorist: His work has appeared in McSweeney’s, The BestAmerican Fantasy, Meridian and other publications. He is also an associate editor at the humor site, The Big Jewel. SONNET by Alexander Maksik This will all look good one day Fridays after work the walks alone a slow weave in the evening through an amethyst light glancing at lonely shop girls perhaps filing their nails and muttering men who circled in the dead leaves and women cursing their shoes the rushing winter coming in cold and how I wore a grey scarf wrapped three times around my throat. Alexander Maksik is a Truman Capote ji?llow at the Iowa Writer’s Workshop. THE TEXAS OBSERVER . Periodicals Postage paid in Austin, TX, and at additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER Send address changes to: The Texas Observer, 307 W. 7th St., Austin TX 78701. Subscriptions: 1 yr $35, 2 yr $60, 3 yr $85. Students $20. Foreign, add $13 to domestic price. Back issues $5. Airmail, foreign, group, and bulk rates on request. Microfilm available from University Microfilms Intl., 300 N Zeeb Rd, Ann Arbor MI 48106. INDEXES The Texas Observer is indexed in Access: The Supplementary Index to Periodicals; Texas Index; and, for the years 1954 through 1981, The Texas Observer Index. INVESTIGATIVE REPORTING is supported in part by a grant from the Open Society Institute. BOOKS & THE CULTURE is funded in part by the City of Austin through the Cultural Arts Division and by a grant from the Texas Commission on the Arts. Pl i a OPEN SOCIETY INSTITUTE fr,05 & Soros Foundations Network Texas Cultural Arts Commission Division on the Arts 26 THE TEXAS OBSERVER WWW.TEXASOBSERVER.ORG