Molly Ivins

The W. Thing: It Could Be Worse

The president is a Texan, the governor is an Aggie, God’s in His heaven, all’s right with the world. And I want it noted for the record that I am doing my dead-level best to be cheerful about this revolting development.

Several reasons for non-Republicans to perk up:

George W. Bush is not stupid.

George W. Bush is not mean.

Most of us non-Republicans didn’t vote for him, so no one can blame us. No matter what happens for the next four years, we can say, “It’s not our fault; we didn’t elect him.” This will be especially useful when dealing with persons of the French persuasions.

High entertainment value: The fact that Bush cannot express himself well in the English language is a constant source of delight to us all. In his defense, no matter how badly he mangles it, you can almost always tell what he was trying to say. The Texanism is, “My tongue got caught in my eyeteeth, so I couldn’t see what I saw saying.”

Is our children learning?

He wants to be the Education President.

He knows that Canada is one of our most important neighbors to the north.

Sometimes he is able to laugh at himself.

He married well.

We already know most of the people in his Cabinet, although quite a few of us are too young to remember them.

Although restoration of the glory days of the Nixon years was not what most of us had in mind, it should be interesting.

Many Texans will find employment in this administration.

It will get them out of Austin.

His favorite foods are chili dogs and chicken-fried steak, which will gross out the entire East Coast. Take that, you radicchio-eating foodies.

Laura likes writers.

Dubya likes dogs and cats.

Think what a refreshing new perspective he will bring. Who else ever thought that Jimmy Carter was “a European-style socialist”?

No one who loves baseball can be all bad. Try to forget that he traded Sammy Sosa.

The man is not a workaholic. This will save the taxpayers a bunch on the White House electric bill-no lights burning ’til all hours in the Oval Office.

His new ranch in Crawford will force the entire national press corps to spend tons of time in Waco, upping their cultural IQ by going to the Dr Pepper Museum.

New hope for the inarticulate.

Dyslexia becomes fashionable.

He wants more energy exploration in Mexico so we won’t be so dependent on foreign oil.

“I mean, these good folks are revolutionizing how businesses conduct their business. And like them, I am very optimistic about our position in the world and about its influence on the United States. We’re concerned about the short-term economic news, but long-term, I’m optimistic. And so, I hope investors, you know-secondly I hope investors hold investments for periods of time-that I’ve always found the best investments are those that you salt away based on economics.”-Jan. 4, 2001.

He’s rich because the taxpayers of Arlington, Texas built a baseball stadium for him, but he doesn’t think government should do much else.

“I am mindful of the difference between the executive branch and the legislative branch. I assured all four of the leaders that I know the difference, and that difference is they pass the laws and I execute them.”-Dec. 18, 2000.

“The Legislature’s job is to write law. It’s the executive branch’s job to interpret law.”-Nov. 22, 2000.

“Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods.”-Dec. 20, 2000.

“Well, I think if you say you’re going to do something and don’t do it, that’s trustworthiness.”-Aug. 30, 2000.

All in all, we can conclude that George W. Bush will increasify the national joy with words that resignate with our people after full analyzation, possibly even adding to the joy of Grecians and Timorians; he should not be misunderestimated and will make the pie higher.

Molly Ivins is a former Observer editor and a columnist for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram. Her book with Louis Dubose (Shrub: The Short But Happy Political Life of George W. Bush) is out in paperback. You may write to her at [email protected]

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