WTF Friday: Jesus Christ, Killer

by Published on
"Jesus Christ on Killing" by Sgt. Charlie Eipper
Amazon.com
"Jesus Christ on Killing" by Sgt. Charlie Eipper

We’ve found it, the mother of all WTF. We have found Peak WTF. After this one, we may have to retire WTF Friday, just hang it up in recognition that nothing will ever top this.

But, first, let’s look at the runner-ups this week.

The Texas Nationalist Movement—”The state’s leading independence organization”—had themselves a meetin’ down in San Antonio and resolved to redouble their minority outreach. But first, they had to run Kanye West out of town.

“We are defending our culture because some rap singer from Los Angeles wanted to show his video on the walls of The Alamo, and a bunch of blue shirts (Texas Nationalists) showed up and said, ‘Nuh-uh!’” Belmore said.

That is a kind of charming image: A bunch of heavily armed far-right secessionists chasing off an extremely wealthy and successful rapper by going, “Nuh-uh!” (And Kanye retreats, with echoes of “na-na, na-na, boo-boo/stick your head in doo-doo” ringing in his diamond-encrusted ears.)

Oh, and “blueshirts”? Guys, if you’re rebranding to appeal to a more mainstream audience, perhaps it’s best not to refer to yourself with the same term used for multiple fascist causes around the globe.

Anyway, Texas’ leading independence organization is trying to bring more minorities into the cause.

“I’m not talking about pandering, let the other side do that,” he said. “We have much more in common with minorities than they (liberals) do.”

Suggested slogans: “Secession: It’s Not Just for Slave-Owners Anymore” or “This Ain’t Your Grandaddy’s Secession Movement” or “Secession: Second Time’s the Charm.”

If and when Texas does secede, I know who could be head of the FBI, or maybe poet laureate: Sgt. Charlie Eipper of the Wichita Falls Police Department. Eipper once killed a man in the line of duty. Then he was troubled that the indiscriminate killing in Rambo IV would give Christians the wrong idea… that there’s anything wrong with a high body count. As he told the Wichita Falls Times Record:

“[Rambo] didn’t want to, but finally did. Their boat got taken over by river pirates. He had to kill them to save everybody,” Eipper recalls. “When Rambo was dropping the missionaries off at their destination, the lead missionary was stepping off the boat and turned to Rambo. ‘I know you think what you did is right,’ the missionary said, ‘but it’s never right to take a life.’”

Eipper cringed. “I thought, ‘What if there’s a young believer in Christ watching this? What if it’s somebody who is in the Marine Corps? Or an officer? They’re going to be so confused. They’ll think, ‘Surely this guy is speaking on authority of Scripture.’”

So, he wrote a book—self-published on Amazon.com—called Jesus Christ on Killing. Which is only a slightly-less disturbing title than Bill O’Reilly’s Killing Christ, IMHO. Eipper’s book contains chapters such as “Thou Shall Not Kill?” and “Jesus the Man of War.” As the Times Record describes it, “he is articulate on the subject of Jesus Christ and killing.”

“The Scriptures are clear that God condones the use of deadly force in killing whenever we are threatened,” Eipper said.

Stand your ground, boys. That’s what Jesus would do.

Turns out that Jesus is coming back and boy is he pissed. Says Eipper:

“When Jesus comes back, he will be the man of war. When he comes back, there will be a whole lot of killing going on.”

Happy Good Friday, everyone!

Forrest Wilder, a native of Wimberley, Texas, is associate editor of the Observer. Forrest specializes in environmental reporting and runs the “Forrest for the Trees” blog. Forrest has appeared on Democracy Now!, The Rachel Maddow Show and numerous NPR stations. His work has been mentioned by The New York Times, the Washington Post, the New Yorker, Time magazine and many other state and national publications. Other than filing voluminous open records requests, Forrest enjoys fishing, kayaking, gardening and beer-league softball. He holds a bachelor's degree in anthropology from the University of Texas at Austin.

  • 1bimbo

    happy easter, texasobserver! matthew 28:6

  • don76550

    You despicable sacrilegous liberal propagandist

    • getoffmylawn

      Uh, don, I believe you’re describing the reprehensible “blue shirts”.

  • Victor Edwards

    There is a lot of misinformation here, and some that is true but out of context. Let’s take some of the misinformation first,

    First, there needs to be some definitions for terms here. Jesus Christ does not condone murder or killing “when we are threatened.” In fact, His own example when he was ratted out by Judas and the Romans came to take Him into custody, Jesus said to Peter, who had taken his sword out to defend them and had clumsily cut off a man’s ear: “Put your sword in its place, for all who take the sword will perish by the sword.”

    There is NO justification from the scriptures to kill people even in defense IF you are the one provoking the battle. To assert such is to reveal a serious and fallacious understanding of the Christian message. Christianity is not totally pacifist, and allows for just self-defense and just warfare. But all other killing is condemned by the Word of God. And God does not approve of any anti-government rebellion at all, saying this through the Apostle Paul when they were under Roman rule:

    “Let every soul be subject to the governing authorities. For there are no authorities except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God. Therefore WHOEVER RESISTS THE AUTHORITY resists the ordinance of God, and those who resist will bring judgment on themselves.” Romans 13:1-2

    As for when the Lord returns, there must certainly be much killing. But this is due to the fact that it will be the end of history, the end of time as we know it and Christ is coming to “balance the books,” as we say. All who denied Him will be killed and cast into hell. One can only imagine the numbers, but it will be in the billions of people, that is for sure. And they will be JUSTLY killed by the one who can not only justly kill, but can then cast the souls of the dead into hell:

    Jesus said himself:

    “Do not fear him who can kill the body but cannot kill the soul. But rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.”

    This somber reality is all the more reason for all men everywhere to repent and believe on the Lord Jesus Christ: “Vengeance is mine, says the Lord.” There will be hell to pay for all those not written in the Book of Life.