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Too bad the news media isn’t interested in happy endings! PENNEBAKER The Road to Compromise FORMER BUS DRIVER HAS SUED THE time off to rest and reacquaint herself with the Book Capital Area Rural Transportation of Job, her favorite book in the Bible. System, charging that the nine county transit service discrimi MAY 2010 nated against him based on his Anybody who wants to be part of a boring workplace religion when he was fired for should never come to CARTSha, ha! You probably refusing to drive a woman to a heard the allegations made by Harrison R. Smythe Sr. Planned Parenthood clinic in January. and Harrison R. Smythe Jr. that our driver, Harmony Meadows, tried to set them on fire when they asked to “Edwin Graning …was ‘concerned that he might be be transported to McBride’s Gun Shop. The Smythes transporting a client to undergo an abortion …” ” are said to be contemplating legal action based on -AUSTIN AMERICAN-STATESMAN, JULY 16, 2010 their “Constitutional, God-given right to shoot any thing we damn well please.” Capital Area Rural Transportation We are sad to report that Harmony has resigned Center Employee Newsletter her position, effective immediately, to teach ashtanga yoga at a nearby ashram. Helen Ann Wesner will be filling in, as needed. FEBRUARY 2010 Hi! We are sorry to report Edwin Graning will no longer be a part of the CARTS family. We will all miss Edwin’s spontaneous sermons about the rapture and the precise temperature awaiting those who roast in hell. Moving on, we are happy to welcome three new drivers: Lance LeBeau, a former fashion consultant from Dallas; Helen Ann Wesner, whose hobbies are memorizing the Bible and cross-stitching patriotic dish towels; and Harmony Meadows, who calls herself a “militant vegan and aspiring pyromaniac.” \(Ha! We can MARCH 2010 We’re sure all of you read the news accounts of Lance LeBeau’s refusal to drive three women to Chico’s. As Lance told Channel 8, “Chico’s is a horrible place. Women come out of there looking like overdosed, dessicated Christmas trees. I’m just trying to save these women from themselves.” We are happy to report that a resolution was reached after the three women in question agreed to let Lance drive them to the new Nordstrom Rack store, instead. Too bad the news media isn’t interested in happy endings! APRIL 2010 Well, it certainly has been an active spring around here! We’re guessing you all have heard about the lawsuit filed by the teenage couple against CARTS. Helen Ann Wesner, normally one of our most reliable and steadfast employees, objected to taking the couple to Mount Bonnell after dark. As Helen Ann explained it, “I could tell from the looks on their faces what they were gonna be up to there. I wasn’t having no part of it. Next thing you know, they would have been headed to Planned Parenthood!” Until the lawsuit is settled, Helen Ann is taking JULY 2010 As you may have heard, Lance LeBeau refused to transport a passenger since “she was obese and needed to walk instead.” The rejected passenger bashed in the van’s back window, causing $250 in damage. In other news, Harmony Meadows is returning to CARTS after a fire of suspicious origin destroyed the House of Bliss Ashram. SEPTEMBER 2010 After much soul-searching, weeks of controversy, a small grass fire outside our building, and three sit-ins, we have finally reached a re-thinking of our CARTS workplace agreeable to all. Here is our new schedule: 6 A.M.: New employee Harrison Smythe Sr. will drive the Armed and Dangerous Second Amendment route. Open to carnivores, Tea Partiers, special discounts for military vets, Branch Davidian survivors. Security provided by Harrison Smythe Jr. 8:55 A.M.: Helen Ann Wesner will commandeer the Purity Route, stopping at Target stores and local churches \(surcharge applicable for Roman Catholic Passengers will meet for brief prayer denouncing the Obama administration before departing at 9 a.m. sharp. 11:30A.m.:LanceLeBeaudrivestheFashionSpectacular, stopping at boutiques and spas he deems acceptable. Discounts for those who sign Lance’s Pro-Gay Marriage petition, addressed to his “very good friend, Rick Perry.” Passenger height, weight, fashion-sensibility requirements will be strictly enforced. 1:30 P.M.: Harmony Meadows, recently acquitted of arson charges, drives the I Brake For All Animals Except People special, stopping at yoga studios, vegan workshops. Free colon detox to first three passengersbut bring your own hose! LI SEPTEMBER 3, 2010 THE TEXAS OBSERVER 121