will barely get you into a public urinal, even if you’re a writer. Finally, and everything else aside, it just happens to be a very bad time for legends in this country. Americans have repeatedly expressed a distinct disinterest in Lincoln-type people and a preference for some average football fan who likes oatmeal cookies and crooked billionaires. President Lincoln did not get along well with crooked billionaires. Which is the main reason he died thin. Incidentally, those consumer people who have been complaining about our commercial all live in eighty-dollar apartments and can’t afford their own telephones. They will probably die thin. ONE QUESTION that has been coming up quite a bit since the commercial began is whether white collar crime is still illegal in the United States. In reply, we are forced to admit that, yes, crooked business belongs to a small group of professions that were declared unlawful a long time ago. Although some of these professions have since been legalized \(abortionism, This is an unfortunate situation which we are trying to remedy with the help of several high public officials and their big campaign contributors. We do not doubt that business crime will soon be legal. In the meantime, however, crooked business people must continue to operate outside the law. This means that those contemplating a new and lucrative career in the white collar crime field should not expect certain fringe benefits that accrue to members of other professions. For example, at the present time there is no crooked business college to issue you a diploma. This will leave a blank space on your office wall that can be covered with the first crooked dollar you earn as a professional. The dollar should be tastefully mounted and framed. If the absence of a college degree affects you deeply, you should use a hundred dollar bill. AFINAL question that we have been receiving relates to what is commonly called “the chances of getting caught,” but which we prefer to view as “the temporary-setback-quotient.” The setback risk in the crooked business field is, in truth, practically non-existent. For one thing, the Justice Department runs a Prosecution Protection Plan which many white collar criminals claim provides absolute insurance against ever being brought to trial. Insurance payments are made in the form of campaign contributions or Mexican bank deposits. Similar plans are offered by several corporations and lobbying groups, but it is best to deal directly with the insurer. There is also a new federal program underway that administration officials believe will eventually preclude any possibility of a business crook being exposed by a journalist or similar troublemaker. We understand that these diverse governmental efforts will soon be centralized under one government agency, the Crooked Business Administration White House felons. Even if a white collar criminal is somehow prosecuted, chances are good that he will draw a close friend for his judge and win either an acquittal or suspended sentence in exchange for a round of drinks at the Ninth Green. Even if a white collar criminal is somehow convicted and sentenced, chances are good that he will be sent to a place like the State Country Club for Convicted Businessmen We realize that in a few thousand words it is impossible to correct the many misimpressions about crooked business that have arisen in the past. However, we do hope that we have shed some light on the profession. It is important to remember that white collar crime is not the exclusive domain of billionaires and high political officials. So, if you are not a business crook yourself, your best friends probably are. The people who sell you merchandise, ask for your charitable contribution and invest your money in stock certainly are. It is, therefore, in the best interests of all of us to protect the white collar crime profession against those misguided people who would destroy it in order to save the homes, property and faith of tomorrow’s victims. That is our job here at the Institute. The best way to help us in this endeavor is, of course, to become a member of the profession yourself. In the alternative, you can help us preserve the American way of life as it now exists by sending a contribution to DECEPTION, Box 1982, Washington, D.C. A final word from our president, whose name must be kept confidential: “Good evening. During my 20 years of service at the Institute for White Collar Crime, I have met many businessmen, both male and female, who spent years of their lives building profitable little enterprises on such well-proven techniques as cutting a corner, putting one over on a customer, and sharp business tactics in general. In all these cases, there came a time when the businessman, whether male or female, decided to develop his company into a full-fledged crooked business enterprise. In each case that I know of, the attempt at expansion ended in disaster. “The reason is obvious. White collar crime is a highly-skilled profession. It takes years to learn which innocent people to victimize, which public officials to bribe and which judges to select as your golf partners. Before your crooked ‘business venture winds up in court or in the headlines, I urge you to consult a white collar crime professional. There are thousands of us in the marketplace and we will be only too happy to help you convert your disdain for humanity to quick and substantial profit. Thank you.” January 18, 1974 17 Bookkeeping & Tax Service 4cu 503 WEST 15TH, AUSTIN 78701 OFFICE HOURS: 9 A.M. TO 5 P.M. AND BY APPOINTMENT ANYTIME When you move, it isn’t enough just to furnish the Post Office with your new address. Please drop us a change of address card, too; and send along an old mailing label from your Observer, if you have it. This way, you’ll be assured of having the next issue properly mailed to your new address, since we can implement an address change up to two days before an issue is printed and mailed . . . provided we hear directly from you. Thanks. THE TEXAS OBSERVER 600 W 7, Austin Texas 78701 Argh, said the lady newspaper publisher when she saw our latest number. Learn the fascinating. quaint, sordid details for yourself for a mere. $7.50 a year. sendable to Post Office Box 52691, Houston 77052. from whence cometh that had-ass Houston Journalism
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