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As celery stalks along the highway, entire Dallas population explodes, violent sex the best kind, ELEPHANT HILL SCHOOL OF ECONOMIC THEORY, P. 0. BOX 66103, HOUSTON 6 Publicly proclaims the findings of its recent exhaustive study into today’s most pressing problems: 1. Sex and violence. 2. The population explosion. 3. The space THE WORLD IS UNDERSPACED AND OVERSEXED. The eh dons have embarked upon a search for a solution to the conclusion. Look forward to our announcement soon! This week Elephant Hill proudly salutes MASON CITY, IOWA . . . BunaB capital of the free world . . . home of point-of-origin of Meredith Willson, talking people, one of the original pithers and trombones! SALUD! Consider the humble unicorn. races. thanks. One woman started to put down her cracker, thought the better of it, and took another bite instead. Thanks were hastily returned. Negro waiters served coffee. “I don’t want coffee. Can I have Sanka?” asked a woman. “I never drink coffee any more since I went to the Country Club,” she explained to a neighbor. “I told the waiter out there that I couldn’t drink coffee. He said, ‘Do you want me to get you some Sanka?’ and ever since then I always ask for Sanka.” THE MAN was at the microphone again. “Now you ladies are full enough, we can get along with the program. Don’t bother to applaud. You can’t clap your hands and eat pie at the same time.” Clinking of metal on pottery became somewhat muted. “Anything is liable to happen anytime. Here are two beautiful pairs of silk stockings from Lichtenstein’s for Mrs. John Doe.” The names were pulled from a barrel. 14 The Texas Observer SUBSCRIBE OR RENEW THE TEXAS OBSERVER 504 WeSt 24th Street Austin 5, Texas Enclosed is $5.10 \(or if the subscriber lives outside of Texas, tion to the Observer for: Name Address City, State [1] This is a renewal. This is a new subscription. One hundred door prizes were given, ranging from a six-inch model of a bus to a lifesize fishing car : a road map, a bucket of housepaint, a satin evening stole, an electric mixer, a pot of chrysanthemums, a bunch of artificial flowers, a silver tray, a gold tray, a gallon of oysters, a bottle of cologne, a gallon of shrimp, a jar of soap, a marble-topped table, a $26 pair of shoes, ten mirrors, a dozen road map atlases. They were donated by local businesses. A dairy company gave a gallon of milk, a gallon of buttermilk, a pound of butter, a carton of eggs, and a container of cottage cheese, all to the same woman. A little 75-year old lady won a free night’s lodging for herself and a partner at the Sea Ranch. A school teacher drew a $25 savings bond. Two dozen women and one man \(a representative of the Chamber of Pearl Beer Company. Everybody got a standard packet of loot: a bag of potato chips, a Coca Cola cigaret lighter, a box of pancake mix, and two passes to a figure control salon. Screamsof appreciation and applause punctuated the announcements of the witnesses. The guest speaker was Lum of Lum and Abner. \(Last year it was Ronald Reagan, brought in by Central Power introducer, as Chester Lauck, in a small town in Arkansas. He had worked in the local bank. He had gone to Hollywood. After a 25-year run of the Lum and Abner comedy team, he had been hired by the Continental Oil Company of Houston to tour the country speaking to just such groups as this one. Now he is executive assistant of his company. Lum, slim, handsome in that distinguished older-man fashion, with greyed temples, and nattily dressed in a dark suit, acknowledged the introduction in faultless grammar. “That wonderful introduction sounded like a eulogy. I thought for a moment there that I should have done the decent thing and died.” Laughter. He complimented the ladies’ beauty and their hats and extolled this splendid preview of Easter then he commented on the CultureandCommerce theme. “I am glad to see so many women in industry,” he said. “Women in industry and women in labor are two different things.” Unrestrained hilarity. He lapsed into the vernacular of Lum and Abner : “Abner and I tended our Jot ’em Down Store without no help from the giverment.” Then back to his oil company executive delivery: “This does not mean that I am against the administration necessarily.” Laughter. “But anybody who can sit in a rocking chair and con the American public into walking 50 miles a day” his words were drowned in laughter and applause. Lum did not play favorites, though. He told about the association for the preservation of outhouses in Arkansas. “We call it the Birch John Society,” he said. Considerable laughter. The bulk of his talk concerned big government and how it was ruining free enterprise. He said he prefers to call capitalism free enterprise. Our pioneer forefathers didn’t worry about social security. Private enterprise leads to a strong solvent nation of free men. A turn to the government for help means regulation and control and a loss of freedom, he said. It was three o’clock. The luncheon had started at twelve noon. Lum said, “Now it’s L-S-M-F-T time ‘Let’s Stand, My Fanny’s Tired.’ ” Laughter. “Ladies, we have come to a fork in the road,” Lum said. “Are we going to take the muddy, crooked path to the left with the signs that say `Utopia Straight Ahead’? Or are we going to take the broad, straight, smooth highway to the right?” Up jumped the ladies, wildly cheering, to give Lum a standing ovation of several minutes. “Ladies,” Lum said in conclusion, “you didn’t pay me to come here. The Continental Oil Company paid my expenses. And you got exactly what you paid for.”