The Back Page

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: JANUARY 21, 2002

AUSTIN– The Texas Observer, a wholly owned subsidiary of the Austin-based Wretched Corporation, announced today that it would team up with accounting firm Arthur Andersen to pursue new and questionable financial strategies. Wretched CEO Rusty S. Screw described the primary goals of the alliance as tax avoidance, inflation of profits, and co-sponsorship of ludicrous side ventures. “We are making a major commitment to blatant fraud,” said Screw.

Initially, the company plans to establish 692 subsidiaries in Playa Baghdad, Mexico, each of which may or may not be responsible for processing one magazine subscription. For simplicity’s sake, these entities will be known as El Observador de Playa Baghdad 1, 2, 3, and so on, all the way up to 692. Jaime Garza, newly-appointed president of OPB 1-200, said he was “tremendously excited and enthusiastic” about the new opportunity, adding that his prior experience in low-volume paleta sales would no doubt transfer readily to the low-volume magazine circulation business.

The Observer will also create a dubious investment vehicle, Pirhana, whose profits will be added to the Observer balance sheets. Pirhana’s portfolio will be heavily weighted toward convenience stores and other cash-heavy operations. Not coincidentally, the company is also forming a partnership with Carl’s Gas ‘N Go, a convenience store, which will allow it to make a number of convenient deductions at tax time.

Finally, Wretched is extending the scope of its content-provision business with the introduction of a new line of pornography trading cards, to be packaged with chewing gum and sold at Carl’s and other locations. “We believe that selling porno cards and gum will complement our existing operations in print news and commentary,” said Screw. “And if that fails, of course we’ll just write off the losses.”

Wretched is one of the world leaders in bullshit generation and management. The company’s business model combines the power of innovation with the rock-bottom security of not having any product, equipment, assets, or skills of any kind. Our employees, described by the Austin American-Statesman as “a bunch of shameless charlatans,” continue to rate Wretched as one of America’s best places to avoid even the merest semblance of work.