When we started WTF Friday last week, I was worried that we might have trouble pulling together a collection of crazy, weird and funny quotes every week. Boy was I wrong. With the tea party threatening to blow up the world and election silly primary season well underway in Texas, we are knee-deep in the derp. Our team of news sleuths have searched high and low (mostly low) to bring you only the freshest and finest, locally-sourced artisanal quotes for your reading pleasure.
1) How Low Dew You Go?
“I don’t know about you, but Barack Obama ought to be impeached. Not only for trampling on our liberties, but what he did in Benghazi is just a crime.”
—Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst at a tea party event on Monday
2) My Bloody Mistake
“They’re trying… to turn this state blue. Over my dead, cold blood–cold body.”
—Dewhurst on Waco Tea Party Radio
This one’s actually from last week but it’s such a perfect combination of an inadvertently funny slip-up and an example of Dewhurst’s pandering, we had to include it.
3) These United States (minus New York, California, Connecticut and Massachusetts)
“I get lots of questions all the time, ‘Well, we should secede.’ I say, ‘No, I’ve got a better idea. Instead of succession I’m a proponent of expulsion. I want to kick about four states out of this union.”
—Land Commissioner Jerry Patterson and candidate for lieutenant governor, arguing that there ought to just be 46 states in the Union
4) ‘If you don’t throw in your buck ‘o five/Who will?’
“I feel like my mandate when I was elected was to go reduce the size of government, lower taxes, and increase freedom, and freedom isn’t free, and sometimes you have to make a small sacrifice to move forward with what you’re after.”
—Congressman Blake Farenthold (R-Corpus Christi) on his vote against the debt deal
We don’t know if Farenthold, he of the duckie pajamas, is a South Park fan or not but this one’s for you bud.