Some Rules of Etiquette
November 3rd, 2006
by Molly Ivins
There’Äôs no doubt in my mind, with your help, Dave Lamberti will be the next United States congressman.’Äù
’ÄîPresident George Bush last week, endorsing Jeff Lamberti.
Rep. Duncan Hunter, a California Republican, has announced his candidacy for the president of the United States. Until now, he’Äôs barely been noticed as a guy who took money from Brent Wilkes and Mitchell Wade, whose bribes to Randy ’ÄúDuke’Äù Cunningham led to his resignation from Congress and a plea of guilty to bribery charges. Hunter is widely expected to be the next congressman indicted in this scandal.
As for the chair of the House Armed Services Committee’Äôs presidential candidacy, we have been thinking of scarcely little else around here. It’Äôs about time we had some good news.
There’Äôs so much evidence stacking up in the ’ÄúCan’Äôt These People Do Anything Right?’Äù file, you’Äôd suspect their secret strategy is to reward incompetence. It’Äôs like the hiring of Michael ’ÄúBrownie’Äù Brown at FEMA or John Bolton at the United Nations’Äîit’Äôs just hard to imagine why.
So now the latest report from the special inspector general for Iraq reconstruction says we have lost track of hundreds of thousands guns we shipped to Iraq, many of which likely are now being used to kill our soldiers. For this administration, ’ÄúWhose in charge of getting the plastic forks for the potato salad at the company picnic?’Äù has deadly consequences.
A depressing story like this, and the week has barely even begun. I hate to imagine what will be on our plates by the end of the week.
So with the Bushies continuing their tailspin, it might be time to review the rules in case WE WIN in the upcoming midterm elections:
I realize that for many Democrats it has been so long since we won, we have completely forgotten the etiquette. And I realize I’Äôm taking a chance here’Äîthere’Äôs nothing more dangerous that overconfidence’Äîbut you have to practice for victory as well as defeat.
First rule: No gloating. Actually, gloating is allowed, but only in the exclusive presence of other Democrats. Gloating in the face of Republicans is rude and unsportsmanlike, and just gives them one more thing to complain about. Also, remember there is a possibility there may be some Republicans on the civil service staff’ÄîI have seen this when the Rs win’Äîand it is really not good manners to watch them wailing around with their eyes brimming with tears.
Second, I’Äôm sure we will all be full of grand theories if Republicans lose and we win. Dems will be ready to be helpful, offer advice and sort of try to perk the Rs up. I do not recommend this. It somehow never feels to me that when Rs are dumping truckloads of good advice on the Ds, that they are, actually, sincere about it.
Third, celebratory jigs, reels, and renditions of ’ÄúDanny Boy’Äù are best limited to Irish bars.
Fourth, try to refrain from insulting Republicans en masse. A good start would be, ’ÄúYou know, it was mostly the ones under indictment that hurt you.’Äù
