Edsel U.

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Using a car analogy, [University of Texas System Board of Regents Chairman Gene Powell] said a $10,000 degree would be more like a Chevrolet Bel Air, a midlevel vehicle from a generation ago, than a Cadillac. There’s nothing wrong with a Bel Air quality education, he said.–Austin American-Statesman

DEAR PARENTS OF SELECTED MEMBERS OF THE CLASS OF 2012:

We are sure you are well aware of high-rent, higher-education apologists calling for you to give your child a “Cadillac” or a “BelAir” or an “Oldsmobile” college education. This just shows you how out of touch and elitist our state’s leaders have become!

As the parents of  “C” and “D” students, you are uniquely qualified to judge your offspring’s capabilities and decide what kind of education you really want to pay for. Remember, college is a business and you are a consumer! You deserve choices beyond the pathetically limited slew of high-priced vehicles listed above.

That’s where we come in! You’ve probably seen our ads on late-night television for our group, Cut-Rate College Associates. (Our motto: “Every kid is unique, but face it, most of them aren’t special.”) I’m the guy throwing wads of money up in the air to show how much you can save by being realistic about your kid. After all, not all of them are “BelAir” material!

Since we have the best interests of your child and your pocketbook at heart, we style our degree offerings to match the uniqueness of every kid. Here are just a few of the many individualized programs we offer at CTC:

 

The “Edsel” $7,999 degree
This multidisciplinary degree, with an emphasis on “self-expression” courses, such as assertiveness training, self-esteem, journaling, scrapbooking and memoir-writing, is a perfect program for the unmotivated kid in your family. (It’s particularly popular for families with stepkids.)

Realizing that college is a time of “transition” and “maturation,” the Edsel curriculum schedules no classes before 1 p.m. and features a three-day week, with extra time off for the holidays, unless you request that your progeny return to school early, instead. Your kid won’t have to crack open a book if he or she doesn’t feel like it, although helpful directions to the library are included in the coursework.

 

The “Yugo” $6,599 degree
Do you have a daughter who’s, well, a little on the slutty side? This ultra-liberal arts degree focuses on perfect posture, elocution, etiquette, modeling, body-sculpting, speaking Spanish to maids and other feminine arts that help your progeny snare a good provider by sophomore year. In the event a husband is not found or an unfortunate divorce occurs, these subjects are also applicable to a career in a high-dollar escort service. As we all know, women need to learn to support themselves in this day and age!

 

The “Chevette” $4,999 degree
Here’s a degree program that caters to a student of either sex whose trust fund pays off when he or she is 21, so he or she doesn’t have to know dick about anything like boring old history or math. The Chevette curriculum recognizes that the real experience of college isn’t about classes and professors and term papers—it’s about partying, living in a dorm, fraternities and sororities, getting laid, getting wasted,getting down.

 

Interested in any of these fine degree programs? We thought so!

More than anything, Cut-Rate College Associates recognizes that the appearance of going to college is far more important than the coursework. To that end, we manufacture a huge supply of bumper stickers (e.g., My Kid and My Money Go to Cut-Rate College!), T-shirts (I Matriculate at Cut-Rate), pennants, posters and other college paraphernalia that will show the rest of the world that your family sort of values higher education without going overboard and getting all pointy-headed intellectual and elitist about it.

Think about it. No more parental embarrassments about your kid flunking out of college! (You have our guarantee that none of our kids flunk out, ever.) No worries your kid is going to oversleep and miss classes! (We recognize the importance of getting a good 12 to 14 hours of rest every night and offer unlimited absences with a note signed by your kid’s roommate or best friend.)

In fact, why not think about yourself—and just not your kid— for a change? There’s no reason for you to pay for a Cadillac or a Bel Air or an Oldsmobile when it’s clear your kid should be walking.