The Wild, Wild West
February 28th, 2007 at 12:45 pm
Every so often in our research we stumble across an invaluable public information resource that demands to be passed on. Today it’s the archived collection of crooks, knaves, sickos, and just plain idiots who get swooped up by the U.S Attorney’ office. In particular, we’re talking about the press office for the Western District of Texas, which lays out a treasure trove of PDFs documenting the offenses, some heinous, some hilarious, of the baddest and dumbest that Texas and the West have to offer. Our favorites.
First up, Alvaro Larios, who offers a gentle reminder that trading cocaine for hand grenades is ill-advised, even if your “people in Mexico” need them to advance their business interests. A barter of two ounces for 15 grenades cost him 25 years.
Next, the dynamic duo of Amlee and Priddy. The moral of their story is that, when pillaging historical treasures from the Fort Davis area, never forget the important stuff: “The last burglary occurred … at the Lajitas International Airport in which a 42″ Gateway plasma television, two boxes of medals, a ‘Mexican Border Service’ banner, a grey and black bag, several shirts with the ‘Lajitas Resort’ emblem and a quantity of Tylenol and No-Doze medication were stolen.” Special bonus lesson: Stealing an 1895 Winchester rifle comes with the added perk of a weapons charge.
There are the cases of good guys gone bad, be it a county jailer with a sawed-off shotgun or an FBI special agent with a crooked tongue.
But the releases also provide practical answers to some of life’s troubling questions. We all, for example, might exchange the occassional burned CD or ripped DVD, but how many does it take to turn you into a bonafied pirate? Turns out, 5,000. Or how many carjackings constitute a spree? Answer: two. There’s even some business advice for potential thieves, such as, it’s probably not a good idea to use eBay to launder fraudulent credit card purchases. It’s that restitution — $576,642.51 in one case, traceable down to the cent — that gets you. Also: choose your eBay identity wisely, lest you end up in an affidavit with a dumb alias like “edollaz.”
And, finally, there’s even some politics splashed among the releases, where you can find a succinct, effective rebuttle to a stupid right-wing hissy fit months before the spasm breaks out. All in a day’s work.
