A Proclamation from the Governor of Texas

“Throughout our history, both as a state and as individuals, Texans have been strengthened, assured and lifted up through prayer. It is fitting that Texans should join together in prayer to humbly seek an end to this ongoing drought and these devastating wildfires.”           

—Gov. Rick Perry, declaring April 22-24 as Days of Prayer for Rain in Texas

 

MEMORANDUM
From: Office of the Governor of the State of Texas
To: All Non-Atheist Texans
Date: May 1, 2011  
Re: A Proclamation of a Month of Prayer
for Revenue in the State of Texas

 

WHEREAS, the State of Texas was—with absolutely no prior warning, and through no fault whatsoever of the Governor, the Legislature or the inerrant principle of Trickle-Down Economics—stricken in January of this year with an unprecedented budget shortfall of $23 billion; and

WHEREAS, $23 billion in budget cuts could result in the losses of hundreds of schools, thousands of teachers, scores of nursing homes and more than 300,000 jobs, at least if you listen to the doom-and-gloom crowd; and

WHEREAS, the Godless socialistic policies of Washington, D.C., have created a devastating global recession resulting in job losses, lower tax revenues and a general loss of Freedom across this land, affecting even the Economic Miracle that is the State of Texas; and

WHEREAS, these dire conditions emanating from Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Lloyd Doggett and Barack Hussein Obama are solely responsible for creating the most severe fiscal drought in the history of this devout and pennywise State; and

WHEREAS, our Faith informs us that tax cuts and tax breaks and tax incentives are the only reliable ways to raise revenue; and

WHEREAS, the Democrat notion that taxes create revenue is indisputably of the Devil; and

WHEREAS, we know that we are doing His will when we reject the calls of the weak and faithless to raise taxes on corporations and the wealthy; and

WHEREAS, our Legislators have proven themselves powerless to erase this storm of red ink without divine intervention; and

WHEREAS, as your humble servant Grover Norquist keeps reminding the Governor of Texas, we must save the $6.1 billion in the Rainy Day Fund for a real emergency, and he just won’t stop pestering the Governor about it; and

WHEREAS, the Governor has discovered, to his considerable surprise and dismay, that federal stimulus programs, which balanced the State of Texas’ budget in 2009 and gave the Governor such a swell campaign issue to boot, have now been discontinued, wholly and purely out of spite and jealously toward the State of Texas; and

WHEREAS, the proclamation thing worked so good with the wildfires, which were Acts of Providence having absolutely nothing to do with Al Gore’s made-up theory of global warming; and

WHEREAS, we don’t really need the whole $23 billion, but if He could just bless us with $10 or $15 billion big ones, it would make everybody feel a so much better and maybe even get the Governor back in the presidential mix for 2012; and

WHEREAS, speaking of presidents, George W. used to pray all the time and look how that turned out!; and 

WHEREAS, given the size of this thing we’re dealing with here, it seemed like we needed a whole month of praying on it to make sure we got results;

NOW, THEREFORE, I, RICK PERRY, Governor of Texas, under the authority vested in me by the Constitution and Statutes of the State of Texas, do hereby proclaim the month of May as Days of Prayer for Revenue in the State of Texas. I urge Texans of all faiths and traditions to offer prayers for the healing of our budget, the eternal avoidance of taxes, the restoration of the Governor’s political credibility, and the avoidance of any special budget-fixing sessions of the Texas Legislature this summer, when the teachers will surely drive everybody plumb crazy with protests at the Capitol, because those people don’t even have to work year-round.

IN TESTIMONY WHEREOF, I have hereunto signed my name and have officially caused the Seal of State to be affixed at my Office in the City of Austin, Texas, on this the 1st day of May, 2011.  

Rick Perry
governor of texas