Sometimes, my friends, the universe is simply too kind. It drops too many things in your lap, leaving you to ask what horrible karmic retribution awaits in exchange for such luck. Today was such a day—so let me spread out my good fortune.
Instead of springing it all on you at once, let’s play a little game of six degrees of Kevin Bacon. Only this time, let’s call it “Six Degrees Between the Texas GOP and the Green Party.” It’s not as catchy, but hey, it’ll be more fun than Monopoly.
Degree One: Let’s start with the Republican Party. Remember back in June when the Republicans decided to elect challenger Steve Munisteri as chairman? Well in doing so, they dumped incumbent Cathie Adams, a staunch social conservative and former chair of the Texas Eagle Forum.
So far, so good.
Degree Two: Poor Adams lost her chairmanship, but not before she’d employed a little help to look good. According to her campaign’s July ethics filings, she paid $300 for Normita Joven to be her “makeup consultant.” This leads me to one of two conclusions—either she was applying 24 karat gold flakes to Ms. Adams’ eyelashes or Joven is a consultant to the stars (and Cathie Adams).
Degree Three: It’s the latter. Joven brags on her website about associations with a variety of famous folk—including (and pay attention here) P. Diddy, the godfather of all things cool. Actually he may be going by Diddy now or, Sean Combs. Whatever his name is, he’s been big since the ’90s.
Degree Four: You know who else’s rap songs have been big since the ’90s? Sir Mix-A-Lot’s. You don’t remember him? He was the masterful lyricist who penned the words “I like big butts and I cannot lie.” Ask any guy between the ages of 22 and 30—they can probably sing you the rest. It was pretty much my middle school anthem.
Get excited. Things are about to get good.
Degree Five and Six: You know who else likes butts? Charles Hurth III. He’s the Missouri lawyer whose corporate non-profit Take Initiative America gave the Green Party the thousands of signatures it needed to get on the ballot, a gift valued at half a million dollars. He also happens to have a criminal record for—wait for it—biting women’s backsides. You did not misread that. Mother Jones uncovered the story Tuesday. He was sued in 1987 after another law student had to receive medical attention for the resulting bite marks. During the suit, which ultimately cost him $27,500, Hurth admitted this wasn’t the first time he’d shown his affection by way of a toothy salute. Turns out, he’d turned the same move on two women in college, one of whom, he said, he’d gone on to date. Shockingly, he couldn’t remember her name. I bet—and this is just a guess—that he’d recognize her from behind.
And there it is. Six degrees, two rappers, one makeup artist and a guy biting women’s asses. Now I wonder if Kevin Bacon ever gave money to the Greens.